my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
there needs to be a build-a-bong store...
i just lost my virginity for the 9th time. when will guys stop believing that nonsense line
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
just leaving uw hospital. they thought i had franzia-induced appendicitis. whaaaaat
You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
on my way to nyc to take a survey about my sexual activity. if you dont hear from me for a few days, assume they had me committed...
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
Randomize
