Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
I had to step in when you tried to make it rain baking powder on my sister
This is part your fault too. Don't tell me your dishes are unbreakable and not expect me to prove you wrong.
Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
Ive only seen a dude masterbate on a train twice, once on the Jtrain and once on the Ftrain... trust me you never wanna see where the subway turns around.
got fuckng wasted at spring training, got a lap dance at le girls, got a burrito at filibertos, and still made it to my 5 o'clock eco class wearing a bikini top....I love Arizona State University
Apparently he's into classy girls that wear sweaters and don't throw up on him when they go out.
After he finished going down on me he came up from under the covers, threw his hands into the air and shouted "take that lesbians!" and finished with "and we have dicks!"
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
Can you face time me. I need to know if this pill is xanex or ecstasy
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
Randomize
