I've come to the conclusion that if I was an old man, I would perve around in short gym shorts for kicks.
he keeps dipping things in ranch and feeding them to me
apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
There's a show on the Discovery Channel about T-Rex sex. I think this just made my life.
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
he just made me youtube cheetahs running and he thinks he is in a pool
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
Woke up in my own bed with a "New Years Eve 2011" bar bracelet on. Both of these things confuse me.
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
I felt so bad but my urge to be with you & drunkenly eat your face was apparently much stronger.
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
Thanks again for the coffee and orgasms
within five minutes of being here her dog found my vibrator in my bedroom and was carrying it around all proud! and her mom is here. so embarrassing :(
Just used the word fistfucking in a serious conversation with my professor in front of the class, while making an appropriate and valid point. Win.
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