yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
I should be nowhere even remotely near facebook in this condition.
I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
We defiantly won best dressed in the ER tonight
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
they superglued a cigarette to my fingers...i think I need to quit smoking.
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
My flask has coffee in it for finals week.. So that's responsible right?
my dry spell has ended & now it's like a tsunami of dick i can't handle it
did anyone ever come to your door asking about the blood on the floor?
Randomize
