I woke up this morning to 4 booty call texts. So i am trying to find the sign that says i like to sit on cocks so that i can take it off.
trust me, i wonder where that sign is on a daily basis.
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
I left boob prints on the hood of his car. Something to remember me by.
He titled his birthday party on facebook, "BJ's in PJ's- an adult slumber party." I'm the only one invited.
Dude.. full face helmets and hangovers do not mix... I am never going to get rid of the smell of puke.
Its ok. Im having a low day. About to mix cake mix with milk and drink it.
I broke my heels and ended up on a random party bus where I passed out after a brief stripper pole incident.
Matt and I's climactic adventure has ended with Matt being hauled off to jail. And now his brother and I are having lunch and a beer.
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
Let's celebrate our freedom by getting high and doing stupid shit.
All boys are excommunicated from my vagina until further notice.
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
this vacation is helping with my sexual bucket list so much. threesome, deaf guy, and outdoor sex all accomplished.
Randomize
