if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
you always know who the new freshman are on fb because theyre always wearing prom dresses
I wonder sometimes what your vagina thinks about you.
My RA just gave me tips on how to have discreet shower sex. Were we that loud?
Apparently i was peeing on things and marking my territory. I broke their light socket too. Needless to say im banned from their apartment.
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
You made a course evaluation for your vagina? Wow. You really are a professor now.
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
You know I ate twenty hot dogs in an hour once.
I am honestly so surprised you are a lesbian.
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
She was chasing her shots with beefaroni and I think I fell in love.
He's such a neat freak that he started making the bed while I was still laying on it naked. He succeed in case you were wondering.
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
I ate at the cafeteria for the first time yesterday and today I think I had an hour long fart.
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