i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
Not too sure about the toy story pull ups. The kids point to their crotch all day and say woody.
He choked me out. i woke up to poo. I dont think i like S&M
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
I tried to put the left over margartia in a box for you but they wouldn't let me
Before you say anything, my vagine does NOT discriminate against young dads
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
I just made the answer to all my security questions "fuck you" with various levels of ! marks. I may regret this in the morning.
And then you refused to pee in anything but a sink
Dont judge the spank bank, just be happy that you were deposited there.
If there's anything my liberal arts education has taught me, it's belligerence.
can you please not set my house on fire for once???
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
Randomize
