So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
For her birthday she wants to, " try something different with our butts a funnel and a bottle of whiskey"
I showed that dick picture that your date texted you to everyone because you passed out and left your phone unattended. Your fault. Plus his cock was big so his fault too.
TAKE ALL THE MAERHMALLOWS AND PUT THEM ALL IN THE MAGICAL NIGHTSTAND
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
I have a high opinion of you, you smash bitches. Respect.
Do you congratulate someone for having bigger tits, or is that a no no?
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
You were on the train yelling, "THIS TRAIN NEEDS TO GO FASTER SO I CAN GO HAVE SEX WITH MY BOYFRIEND!!!"
I never thought I'd be judging my neighbors sex lives before age 30 but here we are
He ate me out in a golf cart while I watched the sunset. You are so right, golf skirts do provide amazing access.
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