I just fired a shotgun out of the back of a truck going 60. i am going to miss oregon.
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
Yeah, you spent an hour in front of the mirror trying to reenact the Sailor Moon theme song.
after he gave me a diploma for giving him amazing head, getting a regular diploma isnt all that cool.
every facebook tagged picture of yours, you are either drinking, swimming or drunk in water
Whenever there is a ShotSki involved, I have no excuse but to drink, right? It's like a rule.
okay just a general question, but if i got arrested, who here would bail me out. this is important.
I suppose I should wish you a happy one year of bumping uglies
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
YOU'RE FORCING ME TO BLOW A GUY BY NOT ANSWERING MY CALLS
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
"YOU A2TE UNDERAGE LOL" Got that at 2am. Gotta stop dating alcoholics.
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
Randomize
