dude i dnt kno how, but i think theres a tampon in my butt
You left half a beer on someones car and claimed it was a second day of hanakuh gift
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
I just don't see what's wrong with carrying a water bottle around.
It's not the bottle. It's the fact that you're drinking wine out of a sport bottle at 9 am.
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
Bro. Some kids just drive-by judged the shit outta me.
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
Your "dubstep at ceilis" resulted in a random naked guy busting into my room and peeing all over my bathroom
well apparently i was just calling everyone cunts. then i awoke from my blackout to 3 very mad roommates who didn't bring a key out with them
Nothing like cleaning out your cleavage from lunch, finding cookie crumbs and eating them...
If you wake up, and some of your hair is singed off, it probably has something to do with the lit cigarette you put in your hair. You said it could double as a bobby pin...?
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