I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
he borrowed my computer and saw his name in my recent google searches. Things got awkward real fast.
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
using smirnoff bottles as a pillow actually isnt as uncomfortable as you would think
you dipped you banana in queso last night.
well... just scaled a wall and entered the bar through the balcony. just making some last minute memories nbd.
That's exactly how my pussy feels when I shave it. Like a cross between a naked mole rat and a newborn child. Embrace it.
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
Trying to do the walk of shame over here WHY are there a hundred ppl on the el?! Thank god I pulled a summit and wore casual clothes I even stopped by the farmers market and bought some squash
I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
We smoked a blunt in a stall where a drag queen was fucking a bartender in the ass. So theres gonna be a second date :)
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
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