Sorry I never got back to you. I got high. I know it sounds like a commercial or something... but its true
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
He took me by the hand and ordered me to make him vodka soup.. I think I like him?
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
How interesting! I'm adding this to my list of things to discuss with you between fucks.
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
I could definitely fill a shot glass w my cum
please don't
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
I used my dress as a plate for pizza rolls last night
You've changed since you got that strap on
How did your walk of shame include a trip to Walmart and how did you bump into the cop that arrested you last night there?
just stepped out my front door and let the wind dry my naked body because I was too lazy to go search for a clean towel that may not even exist. I could live like this forever
Well when we Get drunk it gets rowdy. We could always attempt self-control. But historically and statistically speaking, we fail at that.
Randomize
