Drunk fuck. Had to tell him that the 5 second rule does not apply when your in the bathroom at the hockey game.
you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
So you really have to stop introducing me to girls and afterwards saying "he has his dick pierced" let them find out for themselves
I think he offered to cook me dinner or cook me for dinner. Not really sure. Just smiled and nodded.
It feels like I'm being stabbed in the uterus with a rake. That night was totally worth it though. Thanks.
I don't see how you can turn down creme brulee and orgasms
I completely forgot about the posting of partying pics shortly after adding my gma my dad was like grandma says your all over fb but she doesn't know how to use it. Of course I'm all over her fb. She's got 6 friends I am her newsfeed
There's only two more days left to say you saw me naked this year.....I'll bring the booze, you got all of next year to rationalize why.
Def went to work still drunk... the only comment i got was good to see you drinking more water...
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
Randomize
