I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
I think the recipie for awesome sauce is butter and semen
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
I just took my friends on a tour of all the places I've had sex in my house. I dont know if that's more slutty, or the fact that it took 2 hours to complete..
Pre-game strategy: play thunder by yourself in the shower. Surprisingly, success.
he was banged his ex for coke the whole time and is still the best guy so far this year. standards need to be raised.
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
Ugh I miss culture and lesbians already
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
I took a yellow and pink pill, all of a sudden my sex drive is back, and for some reason all I wanna do is fuck Amish dudes
Good God, I miss doing unknown drugs with you.
This morning I found four opened yet full beers on my desk and my towel rack pulled off the wall and in bed with me
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
Randomize
