Graduating is kinda bittersweet. Now I'm gonna have to find another excuse to day-drink and sleep until 3pm besides "I'm in college."
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
He took a banana and in front of everyone showed her how he wanted it done.
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
I don't know. I was also picked up by the doormen and held over the bar so I could do an upside down shot out of a bartenders tits.
In the UK. Bar special, every drink costs a pound. I'm two shots away from being deported. God save the queen.
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
We've reached the point in our fuck buddy relationship where we are playing words with friends. This is too intimate.
Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
I couldn't find pants for like 20 minutes so I was butt ass naked just sitting on your floor
She asked how comfortable I was with her while we were in the shower. She then proceeded to pee in said shower.
I just saw a girl on the phone crying and eating a sandwich. Thats talent right there.
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
Randomize
