Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
i think i may have caused an international incident at the french embassy, just fyi
hahaha how?
its a long story involving a horse trailer and some shrubbery
For real. Like, if I ever had to choose a last meal, I would just choose to get high and eat whatever was around.
Hairspray is covering 85% of my body. Help.
Wait until you see the roof.
She told me to stuff her like a turkey. She actually yelled happy thanksgiving.
Explain to me how it was that you spent the entire night playing pool with three lesbians and did not get a foursome out of it.
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
if drunk means calling me and asking to borrow the game of life at 2am then I think you were drunk
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
Not sure how a movie about Jesus has managed to make me feel insecure about my boobs but it has.
I feel awkward giving career advice while naked
See I would make a great girlfriend. My surprises are sex and burritos. What else do guys want
I'd have to have a ring. Like I don't want to be called "the ex girlfriend that shit on me"
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
You’ll lick BBQ off my cock but no ketchup on a hotdog?
Randomize
