it doesn't get any better than taco bell and soft core porn
He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.
I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
when i got there he was on top of an air mattress in the middle of the pool with a bag of doritos and a 40 telling people he needed his space.
heres the thing, we have 120 cans of beer left in the fridge. until thats finished we cant fit food in the fridge
my head gets it he sucks but my LAME FUCKING HEART IN MY VAGINA doesnt
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
I tried to make friends with the geese living behind Hughes. They didn't really like that idea.
Are you high?
She was throwing my stuff away and then before I knew it she was sucking my dick. It was like some fucked up sour patch kids commercial
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night
Is it frowned upon to bring a flask to the er?
You know you need to get it together when a frat guy wakes you up and says you need to go to class
Also we had sex while listening to fleetwood Mac on vinyl. Like the 70s called and told me to fuck off
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
I currently don't understand fingers.
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