Don't cheat on me with the blonde bimbo religi freak
I wouldn't touch her with a ten foot pole
She's blonde
i've counted 4 condom wrappers but only 3 condoms. not again.
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
I wish i had more things to dip in ranch... That's the most stoner thing i've ever said
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
You are missing out on the best boobs in town right now
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
How exactly does one go about seducing an older, possibly blind gentleman?
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
yes, i'm a douce. but i'm a high quality douche.
We're meant to be. Apparently God wants me to get dicked down pretty good too so I'm not complaining about destiny
You cannot ask her to resend the picture of her genital tattoo to you just so you can show your room mate. it is time to end your relationship with the Captain.
That's true. Ask me when I'm not fucked up. Nvm hold on. Btw. Wikipedia dinosaur. It's fascinating
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