marching band practice is quite the interesting soundtrack to sex
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
just run out there and shit all over the driveway when he comes.. and then point at him
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
so gross sitting on a warm chair at a restaurant..you just know a fat person was sitting there shoveling food into their face for hours.
she put on her moms wedding dress and is chugging purple jolly rancher vodka, happy cyber monday
i think you lost all your innocence when you were caught straddling a fence in your thong & cowboy boots by the 40 year old apartment manager
I forgot I did whipits. Probably because my brain cells were killed from the whipits
Things you Cant unsee: When your smartphone syncs to your dads laptop and downloads photos...including his porn stash.
He keeps asking the karaoke guy to play let it go from frozen so he can sing it in a falsetto
She had a baby Jesus butt plug
Long fucking story. But hey I got an orgasm and breakfast so I'm winning.
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
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