well we are all hammered and my parents are reminiscing about all the times they drove us home drunk from Christmas
i was in the bathroom puking my brains out, a girl walked in and said "i just came to do the same thing" so i told her i would move over and share the toilet. its better than being alone.
You've slept with me you know how lazy I am in bed.
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
Why were my jeans in the freezer of the mini fridge, and how long have they been in there? On another note, I found my teacher's ID badge.
He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.
Pregnancy test = positive. Hope you still have our old guess who game 'cause daddy elimination begins now.
I can't believe i lost my ID... bringing my birth certificate to the club was a weird experience
IS NO AN EMOTION BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT I'M FEELING RIGHT NOW
I should not be able to sum up my life with a taco brand motto...
What can i say, my face is nice and my body is just unreal. And my beer pouring/stealing is incredible \n
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
the people in front of me have a grocery cart in their car... i missed college...
Randomize
