I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
i threw up on the blunt... he was pissed.
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
I spent all day at the mall with her, then she made me actually watch a walk to remember then decided to tell me she was on her period. This one is either really crafty or I am really desperate.
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
well we could tame deer to let us ride on them. does that work?
Someone tried to flush pizza down the toilet. Well, at least tried to
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
just curious, were the inflatable penis' received? Amazon says they were delivered.
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
Randomize