Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
I love family holidays its the only time when playing beer pong, and smoking hookah with my family isnt looked down upon
you thought you were invisible so you started narrating your actions.
just had cupcakes and mountain dew for dinner-now i'm playing super mario brothers. 10 year olds all over the world would kill to be me.
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
You lured him into the bathroom with a trail of jello shots, then proceeded to barricade the door with duct tape. You really should have thought that one through..
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
Its like her house is inhabited by 50 year old lesbian water color artists with a throw pillow fetish
Everyone should know the rule that if your dicks touch during a threeway you just make lightsaber noises and move on.
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
Yes dating, but it seems easier to just live in a perpetual state of Netflix, internet porn, and cheese.
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
At first I was nervous, then drunk me thought: What other chance will you realistically have to fuck a British guy?
ED guy's penis finally worked last night. It was a Festivus miracle!
Randomize
