I wasn't on board with that statement until "home made dinosaurs"
just looked up how to break up with someone nicely on google. glad to know im not the only one who looks up this shit.
Not quite sure what happened last night. I'll drive your dresser over to you later.....
my mom just cut me up lemons and limes so i would have some vitamins with my tequlia
Did i mention i'm like the equivilent of a prepubescent boy suffering from preejaculacy? I just about creamed my pants when he grabbed my hand..
i think when the guy sitting in the corner singing tells you you're too drunk, you're too drunk.
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
I was like wtf you can warn a girl like hey I have a huge dick and I fuck for hours
Someone google feeding your vagina Advil and Neosporin
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
totally just stole a 24 pack straight out of the miller truck
His status said "sad." of course I liked it. I don't even care that I was the only one. Facebook isn't your god damn journal, we don't care about your problems.
Your roommates will be treating you to many anecdotes about my intentions to have aggressive sex with you. I'm sorry in advance.
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
Randomize
