you hand the children out the window. i'll pour the drinks.
he is literally lying on the floor eating cookies. doing nothing. and as i was hitting him he needed to protect the cookies more than himself.
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
You can come over, sure. But I'll be watching college hockey during the blow job.
Based on the pics I have taken of hookups while they were passed out or sleeping, I have scientifically concluded that no two vagina lips are the same. They are like snowflakes.
I'm drunk on a monday night. Not a good start to finals week
the cab driver said that we weren't the worst shit show he'd ever seen, CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!!
i remember going to sleep after the 4th time i threw up this morning and hoping i didn't have to again because then it would be uneven between saturday and sunday. my ocd is getting out of control
I hope you get stoned and think that you're a seal in shark infested waters
I fucked him while wearing his hat. I love the navy
What, I can't laugh at my sister being driven crazy by Facebook randomly assigning chat significance to the guy she lost her virginity to?
KY in my mouth and throat does not a party make.
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
Randomize
