you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
Do u kno any dealers?
I've officially lost all respect for you, dad.
I found out why we traded puke covered dresses in the bathroom.
Tell me why I keep soberly hesitating to go pee in fear of breaking the seal. Thank you college.
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
You insisted on take shots off of plates.
this is not the first time I've had hot dogs and 151 for thanksgiving.
The dopest dose you'll ever dose. I felt like an octopus all of thursday
My reasons for going are selfish. She just opened her own law firm. I figure having a lawyer as a friend is a good idea. Nothing in my life suggests I won't need a lawyer again.
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
We got to the second bar and all he kept saying was "I'm on an alcohol safari!" Best 21st birthday ever.
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
I still can't believe that dog licked my nipple.
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
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