just bought miller high life, hungry man dinners, and a bottle of lube. you win life, you win.
I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
all i remember is being at the diner with her at 3am and her storming into the kitchen to make sure the chef gave me regular fries instead of home fries.
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
and honestly how many chances will you get to hook up with a one armed guy?
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
I can give you five reasons its your baby
and I can give you 10 reasons it's not, but I'm busy so I'll just go with you have the wrong number. And also I'm a straight girl.
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
Wound up hungover. Visiting 4 y/o nephew suggested cookies and milk and playing Kirby with him with the sound down. This kid is going places.
as much bud light as i have consumed over the years budweiser should give me a clydesdale
Oh yeah, it was definitely the best sex of my life, I just don't think I can fix the kitchen table before my parents get back...
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