this girl is running around outside screaming, it's creaming on me! it's creaming on me. I totally have to find my video camera
I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
We need to tone down the drinking before our 7pm class. I don't remember receiving any of these handouts.
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
I'm worried my skin won't stretch enough to handle this boner. Then what?
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
Because guys aren't supposed to cry. Especially when it's over a dude singing a Christmas carol.
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
you were bawling because you felt bad for being so drunk and then you asked for a beer
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
Is using cherry lube as jam shameful or hilarious
You fell in the corner and refused to get up unless someone helped you. And then you crawled under the pool table and took a nap.
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
Randomize
