i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
5 am is for sleeping. Or getting railed on by a stranger. But never for fundraising. Get real.
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
He was my shower sex Sherpa last night. And we both made it safely up the mountain.
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
Denial and avoidance are my survival strategies for 2013.
Denial, avoidance and beer.
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
oh my god you are days, if not hours away from a dick pic. This is the day the lord has made rejoice and be glad in it
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
lets face it, we have a liquor cabinet with a designated chocolate shelf
Can you face time me. I need to know if this pill is xanex or ecstasy
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
Randomize
