Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
she was bad bro. like...id rather put my dick in a blender. twice.
No, I'm only going to drink half my paycheck. That's the responsible thing to do.
Everytime I see a couple on campus walking and holding hands I just want to yell he's gonna lie!
I just saw someone EAT a flashcard out of frustration. Finals suck.
We're stoned and watching little Einstein videos. Come. Over. Now.
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
shes on the ground doing bicycle kicks screaming "is my ass good enough for you now satan" send help
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
Condoms and Ice Cream, that's all we need.
Just put me in your contacts as coyote
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
You could cut the tension with my nipples.
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
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