quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
She literally just puked and rallied AT HER OWN WEDDING. Welcome to White Trash town, America.
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
Lets get coked out and steal a parrot this summer
Dude, I traded weed for crunch berries. Happy Thursday.
Why do I have a vague memory of your entire fraternity climbing in through my bedroom window?
EXCEPT MY COUSIN SAW MY SEX TAPE!
I've had to take two showers today and it's not even 1 o'clock. Why won't this weekend wash off?
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
She told me the next morning I stared at her tits for like 15 minutes with binoculars from only a few seats away.
I’M PUT OFF FROM FOOD RN BC EARLIER I GOT SOME WATER AND I WAS 4 SIPS IN WHEN I NOticed A FUCKING BURGER KING F R Y IN MY D R I N K
Randomize
