You can spell. I can kill people with no remorse. We all have our skills.
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
Just found my DARE notebook from 6th grade. Extacy was starred and highlighted.
At least I've made one childhood dream come true
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
I have glow sticks stuck to my boobs and a missed call from the 911. I'd say last night was a success.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
I hope you get some kind or rare disease that makes your dick ties itself in a knot for fucking her you lucky bastard.
so we were doing it and I was like umm hi im losing my virginity can you take off your beanie
Apparently 24 hr fitness frowns upon the ingestion of psychedelics on its premises, don't see that in the sign up contract.
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
After we finished having sex, he drunkenly tried to hugh five me, farted, then accused me of stealing his socks.
He's literally cuddling with the washer and dryer.
Randomize
