life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
Weird question, would you want to do fetish porn? you get paid.
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
I kind of feel like BP. I'm dressed in green and absolutely horrible for the environment.
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
we're going to the olympic park to run the 100m yeaaaahhh
it's 3am. Nothing could possibly go wrong here.
Poking every semi-decent guy on Facebook in the hopes that one of them will want to hook up with me tonight. So far all i've accomplished is 5 new poke wars which i will most certainly continue after this weekend.
Like if a baby's bottom had nipples, that's how my boobs feel
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
I would pay to watch a Bravo special of you getting Botox.
I didn't pay $79 for lingerie for you to cum in 30 seconds
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
It will be the shitshow of all shitshows.
And when were you going to tell me to stop dancing on his coffee table singing "come on irene?"
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