I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
the jail released me with 39 mardi gras beads. I need details.
we're on our way back. she tried to pants the waiter again.
I couldn't be mad. She was crying because she fell bare ass into the rose bush trying to pee. So I held her up mid-stream and she peed on my feet. No big
you should have seen it. it was just a bunch of guys in togas chanting the username and password to a brazzers account we all share. best thing that has happened to our group
yes and no. im drunk but idk if im "blow marcus" drunk. call in like an hour.
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
I threw up in a Buffalo Wild Wings and then got a high-five. I really don't understand America
I want to just live in between your butt cheeks.
I'm tired of the topic. I sent him a pic of my vagina to change it.
My vagina doesn't have a refer a friend program. You don't get $25 for getting your friend to have sex with me.
Ahh yes. I lost my pants and swimming suit and phone charger. And I've found out who has them all even while hungover. Successful day. Nice party too.
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
Randomize
