I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
ARE YOU GOING TO SACRIFICE YOUR LIFE FOR MCDONALDS HASHRBOWNS
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
Fair enough. I'm gonna finish off half a bottle of Brunettes in the shower anf relive the good ol' days. We need a reunion
I slept with someone shorter than me. My vagina weeps.
You fool.
That amazing moment when the girl in the passenger seat decides to strip you while your driving.
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
The funny part was that the cop pulled us over cause the park was closed, not because I had just come up from giving the guy a blowjob when the cop drove by.
hey dude my crackhead idol just taught me a great way to tie shoes
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
Should I apologize to him for saying I wanted to punch him in the face as I was digging through the trash?
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
oh.. my GOD my dad just text me... "i need a naked women" ........... help?
Randomize
