I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
the taxi driver actually pulled over to let us moon a house full of people
Im pretty sure he just said he wants to make a baby with me, but he's pretty shitfaced, so I'm not sure if he knows who I am.
It's a lost cause. Soon she's gonna get naked, just let nature run its course
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
Stormed out of the house in frustration and now I'm in public and have to take a rage dump. Today sucks.
I just came so hard I growled. Definitely found my gspot.
actually there are like 49038098 people in the bathroom for no reason. Singing My Heart Will Go On and pseudo fighting.
Every time I start to think he's just not worth the trouble, he puts his face down there and I wanna buy him a car
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
Until you've snorted cocaine at 6am before your nursing school clinicals birthing babies you're not on my level
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
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