The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
and she said "My body is an orphanage, I take everybody in"...
So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
I puked all over his apartment, then slept with the skinniest girl here. Which isn't saying much in Ohio.
and the award for most disgusting thing ever done on my couch now officially goes to you! Congratulations, you won the couch...I can't even look at it anymore.
The key to alley sex is drunkeness.
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
You slid down a wall, tried to pull your cast off and yelled that casts were too conformist.
Let's be honest, I am pretty sketchy looking.
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
Roommate charged out of his room in pajamas yelling "MAKE IT RAIN" and just threw $4,000 in fifties onto my head. My Friday night.
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