Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
I really want to know why half of my kitchen floor is missing.
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
She gave me a foot massage while her friend rode me. Your gf puked into the oscolating fan. How were our nites alike?
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
Welcome to drink and talk like a Russian afternoon.
Pirate drinking day will be planned for shortly
I approve this so hard.
If there aren't any tits where you are, you're doing it wrong.
Like he was cock blocking and it usually takes ten cocks to block this cock
You don't have to buy me dinner, watch tv or even hang out if you don't want. Just fuck.
All I remember is being in the middle of the road puking and my bestfriend cheering me on from the passenger seat...
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