How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
votings over. no more wacking it to anti christine o'donnell ads
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
he's annoying when i'm sober but vaguely hot when i'm drunk so yes i do have a preference and it goes by the name of vodka
Two questions: is there going to be a bathroom at this party, and can we fuck in it. This will define whether or not I enjoy going to parties with you.
I walked in the kitchen and heard her saying "We could have been so good together" as she caressed an egg with her cheek.
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
Randomize
