Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
I wish I could walk around this campus with a big stamp that says "Approved" and just stamp girls asses as they pass.
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oh my god. separately texting an Allie and an Ally while drunk is hard, and I'm climbed 1/2 way up a bridge pier.
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
We would be rich. And the whole world would be stoned.
So fucking hammered. Is this all spelled right? I'm holding it up to my eye. I am on a boulder. I feel like an owl
The cop actually kicked the bitches out of the cab so we could get ours. I flipped them all off as the door was shutting. That drunk.
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i am an animal i am literally locking myself in my house and not coming out for a week i don't deserve to be in public
Soooo fucked this chick last night! While fucking she started talking into the fan on the side of my bed. Does that count as sex with a robot
Good news. That bum you thought that died is alive.
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
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