Rosebud was a fucking sled. Gay.
dude if i could bring that prime piece of meat home, id be the luckiest average-looking girl who ever lived
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
He tried to eat me out in the bath... I said it was a bad idea, but he said it was good snorkelling practice for vaca.
thanks so much for stopping me from telling him i want to have sex with him while i proceeded to hookup with the air.
Its funny that cleaning up pieces of water balloons and shot glasses every morning is becoming a routine
In the UK. Bar special, every drink costs a pound. I'm two shots away from being deported. God save the queen.
I will not be a drunk bitch. I will not be a drunk bitch. Chanting this until it's second nature.
Drinking in moderation can be fun. Drinking in moderation can be fun. Chanting this until it becomes true.
Let's just say I've never been so continually aware of my nipples before.
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
My arms are still sore. Apparently, lube wrestling is the best workout ever.
woke up to a family dragging me under their beach umbrella, they poured water on me bc they "thought I was dead" then fed me quesadillas and nursed me back to health... gotta love Cabo
Currently on my Sunday walk of shame. Should I go to church?
Only you would make Mario Party a contact sport.
And you owe me a new pair of switch controllers.
Randomize
