A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
you figure out which one you wanna sleep with, & I'll sleep with the other one. problem solved
There are paw prints all over my ceiling.
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
I gurantee you I'll be the only one dressed as a giraffe.
frozen drink friday is suspended until further notice
Results of pregaming honors college basketball social: 18 points, 3 blocks, and 3 flagrant fouls leading to 2 broken bones on former valedictorians. I'm doing this more often.
If drinking before honors events and injuring our universities brightest doesn't get you kicked out of the program, you're not trying hard enough.
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
He made me cum 7 times AND I nearly drowned him during that 69 in the back of a ford focus. Yeah I should get my gynocologist.
Well, during the ride home I had to personally apologize to both of her breasts.
It's just not St. Patrick's Day until someone pukes on your panties.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Randomize
