They threw a beer at you on stage and then you stopped the karaoke and cussed everyone in the bar out for 2 minutes
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
Sorry you had to see that, but on the bright side...at least I trust you enough to have sex in front of you
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
I woke up in my living room, on the floor, wearing nothing but a fur coat?
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
Nope. I've found you care about two things in life: your momma and spreading your seed.
I asked him for something to clean up with after sex and he handed me a sham wow. A SHAM WOW
He said he "doesnt care at all, really" if I shave my legs or not. Challenge accepted.
They were out of soap so you started calling yourself a dirty bitch
What is more embarrassing, shitting yourself in Mexico or having sex in a forest preserve with a 19 yr old? This is crucial research.
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
I hate csi yet I find myself watching a full marathon. I am also eating hotdog buns stuffed with barbecue chips and they are quite tasty
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