Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
i was concerned for your health after you took your "last shot" four times...
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
It would be celebrated in history as "the orgasm heard round the world"
I just sniffled when I woke up and got a bump of coke. I have never felt so good hung over.
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
I'm going to go out on a limb and say last night was a success, also the neighbors are counting down the days until we move out.
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
Also, I've finally come to the point in the relationship when having sex with socks on is ok.
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
Did we actually play with swords last night or did I dream that?
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
You challenged a dog groomer that she couldn't cut human hair ... How's the shaved head
Okay penises are actually pretty exciting. The people attached to them are an entirely different story
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