Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
you know what sucks? talking to chicks you dont want to have sex with
How the hell can the Olympic committee frown so much on weed and yet put on a show you would have to be high to actually enjoy?
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
The chips are stabbing my teeth, and I can feel the muscle under my mouth contracting.
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
I had her buy me a cock ring, so we might test that out. We are presently playing yahtzee.
Cock rings and yahtzee. Like peanut butter and jelly.
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
I had sex in a panda mask the other night.
I have no idea what happened last night, but my pee is neon green.
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
I just went to cvs and bought condoms, handcuffs and a coloring book
poll: am I friendzoned if he just called me brochacha? on one hand, he called me bro, but on the other, he used the a to make it feminine.
Randomize
