Don't fret. That vag would have consumed a lesser man.
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
Tell us when you see the semi truck on fire.
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
like we started out all organized and composed and within thirty mins people were throwing up in the bushes, arguing over a beer bong and jumping in the pool with their clothes on
I can't cum and do my makeup at the same time.
I will never swim in a flooded basement again..
Nice. Don't spend your therapist's co-pay on Jaeger bombs.
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
Id have to say flaming beer pong was a royal success.
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
I walked outside and found some random guy passed out on our front porch. We managed to acquire the 12 pack of lagers he had so it's all good.
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
Randomize
