I'm scared. I feel like she's my mom and she just walked in on me having sex. Like she's "disappointed"
for real. he might as well bring dogs if they're lower than a 7.
Just looked in the mirror and i look like ive been gang banged. Im so proud of my boyfriend it almost hurts
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
Trying to coordinate a drug deal while taking a psych test is not easy.
I told this guy in the dining hall that he's a hippie god and he's never made eating yogurt so sexy
Your brother slept on my deck. There was a key under the mat. Relapse party success.
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
There are peanut butter donuts now. We are playing with forces we can't possibly understand.
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
It does not feel like it was just this morning that I had a penis in multiple cavities of my body
His mom just pulled off a quadruple cockblock. I'm not sure if I'm mad or impressed?
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
Randomize
