I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
don't leave me alone with all the disney princess sluts
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
apparently i was just sitting there with my shirt down holding my boobs saying "its ok. its all gonna be ok"
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
Queso dip and pictures of Daniel's penis. It's like the last days of Rome over here.
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
I'm surprised this is your first encounter with pepper spray. surprised, and somewhat proud.
She was cleaning herself at the bus stop. She also picked up gum off the ground and ate it
Its official, kitchen-couch is my favorite.
You passed out again didn't you?
its likely that this occurred.
Thank you for stopping me from getting a butt tattoo. That was a good call.
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