So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.
Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
There is a hole in her door about 2 inch in diameter. You may see me on YouPorn
I reek of latex and grilled onions.
Mission accomplished.
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
i knew it was love when she pulled a beer out from between her boobs and offered it to me
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. She asked how my day was going and it got hard.
There's a possibility I may have hooked up with that British guy...
Possibility? You left the door open! Everyone saw!
But you''re still having sex with him. And a hobo convinced you to.
I woke up in a bathtub full of green and blue Nickelodeon slime! wtf?!
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