She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
What's the over under on catching something from your sister?
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
My nose hurts from that stripper beating me with her tits
All you need to know is that isn't jizz
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
So I hooked up with a guy with a mustache and woke up on a dragon futon underneath a dragon yin-tang tapestry... My life is spiraling in a weird way.
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
you look like you're about to get down on your knees and give america the business.
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
I finally had to say "that's the hole where I pee" for him to understand.
I danced with a french guy who licked the sweat off my neck and poured a drink on me. Not gonna lie, that shit was refreshing
I'm too pretty to go to jail. Especially in Louisiana.
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
Randomize
