He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
I just want to jump into a ballpool of dicks now.
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
He gave me four orgasms and I kept yelling "Thank you!" and he kept replying, "My pleasure!"
Midwestern nice.
I've hit an all time low I just sent a boob pict to fat Randall the one I gave a partial bj to a year a a half ago
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
Dudes don't just lick butts of chicks they're not into.
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
He ripped my sink off my bathroom wall and then threw up in it.
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
I don't want to spend an inordinate amount of time with you, I want to have sex with you. Duhhhhhh.
I am drunk shake weighting right now.
Randomize
