I just want you to know that me val and amanda are drinking on top of a hill lookig at the chicago skyline drinking icehouse and we just peed in public.
Sorry I totally forgot to text you back. When you texted me I was at work at the pharmacy and it was stupid busy. And then of course I had my 8 hour "shoot me b/c half of Loyola comes in to buy plan B" shift.
how hairy? two words: wookie tits
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
Nothing like throwing up 1/2 price appatizers and 2 4 1 personal pitcher in uniform to remind myself what a succesful failure I am
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
It's a gift. Kind of like morning wood in my brain.
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
If your wondering why there is a puddle on the floor is I may have decided to make a kiddie pool in your living room.
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
I hope our bodies realize that workaholics starts tomorrow and will be well enough to handle the hell we are going to put them through. amen.
Your the only girl I know that carries a $1100 purse with tater tots inside
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
