Someone shit on the floor
Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
She was sleeping without a shirt so I thought I wouldI sneaked a peek at her nipples..than I realized they were just warts...on her back.
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
I probably shouldn't have slept with him. I feel like that may have given him the wrong idea.
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
Being at this stripclub only reinforces how single I am. And I was *just* becoming okay with that.
Bro, did you watch that scooby doo porn I sent to you?
He had a step stool to get in to his bed!
Honestly it's a super power. I can try it a million different ways and nothing happens. Donnie casually says "ok this is now a toppless party" and it all kicks-off
College has done two things for me. Given me the confidence to blow my nose in public and shit in public
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
I just want to see you and express my feelings in a drunken manner, but in a sweet way like my english accent.
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
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