Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
I seriously just washed my dick in a public restroom. That's how dirty last night got
So i was told that i peed in the sink, had sex with a pillow and banged on a washer while singing idian chants
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
Just checked my phone. Sometime last night I googled sex positions in a tent. Was there even a tent there?
Im in Ft Meyers right now looking right at an alligator. I have had a couple of beers and people are telling me not to feed him but Im gonna do it anyway.
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
Apparently he's into classy girls that wear sweaters and don't throw up on him when they go out.
The sad thing was my husband told her its ok to make out with me. Bar Tuesdays will live on regardless.
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
I've decided to give up hard drugs for the rest of the year.
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
Her new crush is a 6'2" guacamole baron that may also be a Jedi.
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
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