I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
I almost took home a boy from the bar last night, till i realized he was not speaking drunk, he was from another country and didnt know english. that could have been an awkward morning.
dollar beers will do that to you.
I'm not working tomorrow. need to take advantage of the last opportunity for weeks of morning sex.
I wouldn't really call it 'getting lucky' considering I paid her to do it.
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You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
She looks like if Peter Griffin was a lesbian.
Run away.
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
my first words to him the next morning were "do you like magic"?
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Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
You can't tell me you've honestly NEVER considered smoking a Froot Loop
sometimes u just have to say fuck it and help a straight sixteen year old break into her uncles gay bar.
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
The fabulous human disaster: it is him
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