I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
sounds like you fell off the wagon.
fuck falling off. at this point, the wagon is a dot on the horizon.
Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
who the fuck is that kid sitting with you...
I don't have any fucking idea. I woke up and he was there. I'm kinda creeped out.
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
I could really do without pictures of your asses in my inbox. That said, I'm extremely jealous that I wasn't involved.
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
Come over. Bring cocaine. And my t shirt with the dolphin on it.
i smell like vinegar and tequila i can feel the old people behind me judging
He was so traumatized by the It's a small world ride but he immediately pulled out a flask from god-knows-where and got drunk before the ride was over. The ride operator didn't blame him.
He just told me my boobs made up for all the bad things that had ever happened to him. I'm definately having sex with him again.
And he put his penis in my face and I back handed it away.
Randomize
